Thursday, June 28, 2012

Blessed... again!

The lord has blessed us once again!!!

I am four weeks, 3 days pregnant today.... from what the nurse can calculate.  I took this test Friday morning and just couldn't believe it.  I called the doctor around 10 to schedule an appointment, at which point the nurse said she wanted to go ahead and have me to blood work to check my levels.  SO I went Saturday morning and Monday morning... my levels were 68 on Saturday and 139 on Monday.  She said everything looks great and they'll see me July 13th for an office visit and an ultrasound!!!

I'm still pretty shocked... and to be perfectly honest... scared.  They anxiety I find myself fighting is terrible.  I never imagined I'd be one of those woman that can't enjoy their pregnancy... it absolutely sucks.  You want to be able to shout it was every roof top and to every person that walks by you "Im having a BABY"!!!.... but I can't.  I can't because I don't want to then have to tell everyone that I lost another baby.  The sad looks you get, the awkwardness that follows because they just dont know what to say to you.  I want a baby!  I want this baby.... I wanted my last two babies.... But I know that my life and the life of this baby is in God's hands.  It's not up to us, it's not on our time... it's on God's time.  I find myself praying constantly throughout the day... asking God for it to be his well that I have this baby.  I'm online A LOT looking up encouraging scriptures and verses to ease my mind and anxiety.  I even texted Alston and asked him what he thought about me calling the doctor to see if she would do weekly blood tests on me so I could have a little bit of reassurance. Of course, being the sweet-sweet man he is he told me to do whatever I needed to do to ease my mind.   I'm going to try and stay optimistic and keep my thoughts positive, but lord knows how hard it is. 

Right now the only people that know is my immediate family and my boss.  Only reason I told him was because he's seen we get sick a few times and was starting to get suspicious.  I don't know when I'll tell my friends.... I'd like to tell all of them now, but again... having to tell them I lost the baby is not what I want to do again.

1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

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