Tuesday, April 10, 2012

..... another chapter.....

I know it's been awhile since I've been on here... to be perfectly honest, I've been dreading getting back on here.  I started this blog as an exciting way to share my pregnancy with all my family and friends back home.... but now... it makes me ill.  

I lost the baby.

I was supposed to be 9 weeks, 4 days ( which was just a few days shy of my next ultra-sound) when I went in to see Dr. Chapman- I was having some spotting.  She did an internal ultrasound and didn't see the heartbeat.... the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks, 5 days.  Being that I was as far along as I was, Dr. Chapman suggested that I have a D&C immediatley so that they could send everything off for testing.  I know I'm talking about this whole thing in a very "matter of fact" way... I'm still in a fog about the whole thing.  I still can't wrap my head around the fact that is has happened to me twice! ME!  Never-EVER did I imgaine having to experience this kind of heartache.... I always thought that "getting" pregnant would be the hard part, not trying to "stay" pregnant.  

This Thursday will be exactly 6 weeks since I found out I lost our second baby.... I'm schedule to see Dr. Chapman that afternoon for my follow-up: discuss how I'm doing, I'll have another physical and she'll go over the findings from the testing that was done.  She had mentioned that she thinks I may have a "clotting" disorder: she said that there are many different types of clotting disorders out there that can affect pregnancy, so she'd like to take a look into that.  Oh.... she said we'd also discuss birthcontrol options.... she thinks it would be in my best interest to be on something for a few months before we start trying again.
I just check praying for God to give me a baby.... I haven't given up yet.  I'm very scared.... but I haven't given up.

This weekend was Easter Weekend: Alston and I went to the zoo this weekend and to the river walk on Saturday, it was very nice just having him to me all day. No interuptions......it was wonderful. Sunday we spent the day house hopping from his moms, his dads and to my aunts.  It was a great weekend, but it really got us thinking and talking.  Going to the zoo was nice, being with our family was great.... but we are ready to share these moments with I children.  Experiencing things with a child makes you see things differently, its more exciting and NEW.  Their joy overflows!  I'm ready for that... WE ARE ready for that. 

Lord I can't sleep this week.... I'm anxious and nervous to see the doctor.  It's a very weird throught process when you in the back of your mind are kind of hoping the doctor says... "this is why you can't get pregnant...blah, blah, blah... but don't worry its an easy fix".... I'm really scared that there's nothing wrong and we are going to have to keep trying and keep failing till eventually we have our own baby.  I just don't know how many times I can go through this. I don't want to keep putting US through an emotional rollercoaster.

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